Today is Boxing Day and I'm not quite sure what it's supposed to feel like. One year it was actually boxing, I mean moving day, into another house and all the other times there was just stress from every one's expectations that could never be met.
I paint. I paint a lot. I have found that's the one thing that keeps me sane. When I'm overwhelmed, stick me in a corner with some brushes, paint and hope there's canvas b/c I don't care where the mess lands. I can shut the world out, breath, have a flowing train of thought that is not directly focused on my issues. It's not just only that I get out my frustrations through it, it's that the emotional knots, like in my back, relax so I can think clearly. The swirly thoughts in my head and emotions flow through my body and I focus on my painting and may solve some problems not even thinking about it.
I can't paint to just paint, it has to be for some one or for myself, expressing what I can't vocalize in words. Today I feel like I can let go, and sell a painting of mine that describes my journey. This is because I'm letting go of that visualization.
The black background forces your eye to an attractive naked women with the head of a pin-up girl who easily rests in a champagne glass as if it were one of those old, spacious armchairs that your Grandmother had. Her right arm is elegantly and forceless while raised over her body holding a bouquet of broken hearts, mirroring themselves to be tulips. The other arm relaxes, hanging over the edge of the glass while still being in control.
How many times have you shown that face while your tearing apart inside? The pressures of this season is my most challenging. I want so bad to put that face on so I can attempt to please other's expectations but I have to stop that even though the pain of their disappointment feels so great now, maybe I can salvage some good feelings for this season for the future.
No matter what I say or do to my family, warning them that I may not take part of every tradition, their disappointment and my guilt will unfold if I'm not capable of performing. This year I've decided to start and heal my future Christmas' and live with the consequences, a temporary pain, and say NO.
Saturday, December 27, 2008
A small introduction
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder a few years ago. I wish I wasn't alone. Every one I knew either didn't believe the diagnosis or they refused to learn enough about me and what it was. No one could relate to me.
I had wished I found something on the Internet to help me at that time to sort out all that confusion I had, especially what other people put in my head during such a fragile time in my life but relief didn't come easy when no one had any understanding of what I was, or had gone through. No one knew how to help me. It wasn't there fault.
There has been things that has helped me balance the belief's of the Physiatric society's and the spiritual community's beliefs so that I now can restructure my own origional beliefs. I can still beleive things that the general Doctorsmade me feel was a mental issue, while still knowing what is real and what is not. The quest to find balance comes with time. To get Doctor's help, doesn't mean that your spiritual feeling you've had are false. From my experience and from what I have heard from others, this is a major concern. There is a balance to be found.
I have to deal with people's ignorance all the time when I tell them about my mental disability. Some react in fear and others empathy. The fear often comes from the unknown. Bipolar disorder is displayed in movies and on TV shows as crazy people that are not under control. I know that others thought's are rarely expresed to me. I feel the struggle in some in how different they think I am. I feel as if all my faults are blown up out of praportion so it's blamed on my disorder and they walk on egg shells around me. I'm under a magnafiying glass when some one knows. Very few work at fitting themseves in my shoe's. When that hsappens it's such a comfort, but as any sikness, you'll never know unless you've been there.
How do you treat some one with an illness that you don't have? A cancer patient who has lost their hair, or a paraplegic? For me, and us, it's living with this in this society.
I had wished I found something on the Internet to help me at that time to sort out all that confusion I had, especially what other people put in my head during such a fragile time in my life but relief didn't come easy when no one had any understanding of what I was, or had gone through. No one knew how to help me. It wasn't there fault.
There has been things that has helped me balance the belief's of the Physiatric society's and the spiritual community's beliefs so that I now can restructure my own origional beliefs. I can still beleive things that the general Doctorsmade me feel was a mental issue, while still knowing what is real and what is not. The quest to find balance comes with time. To get Doctor's help, doesn't mean that your spiritual feeling you've had are false. From my experience and from what I have heard from others, this is a major concern. There is a balance to be found.
I have to deal with people's ignorance all the time when I tell them about my mental disability. Some react in fear and others empathy. The fear often comes from the unknown. Bipolar disorder is displayed in movies and on TV shows as crazy people that are not under control. I know that others thought's are rarely expresed to me. I feel the struggle in some in how different they think I am. I feel as if all my faults are blown up out of praportion so it's blamed on my disorder and they walk on egg shells around me. I'm under a magnafiying glass when some one knows. Very few work at fitting themseves in my shoe's. When that hsappens it's such a comfort, but as any sikness, you'll never know unless you've been there.
How do you treat some one with an illness that you don't have? A cancer patient who has lost their hair, or a paraplegic? For me, and us, it's living with this in this society.
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