Recently I took a class with a mother of an adult bipolar child. She began to share about her struggles with her daughter that she was going through, manic then depressive stage, her reaching her max end of putting up with it. I didn't tell her of my experiences until the last class we had together. I got to hear the struggles she went through unbiased and advise given by others with no personal relations accept they had children, for this problem. It was eye opening to me.
I knew it was hard on family members when I struggled but never realized how hard. In all my pain and torment, I never understood it may have been more difficult for people around me than it was for myself. All I have ever seen was my pain and torment.
I saw her frustration and physical exhaustion in how her daughter was draining her and she was at the point where she needed to start taking care of herself. The same scenario happens over and over again. No amount of reasoning and support makes any difference. The motivation and willingness to change for her daughter needs to come from her wanting it.
As a friend who had no prior experience, I would tell her to take care of herself first and leave the responsibility on her daughter to find her own way. It's not untrue that your first priority should be your own health.
After our last class together, I pulled her aside and said that I knew where her daughter was coming from. I had spent more time in bed than out of it and look where I am now. Mentally functioning well, working full time and going to the gym and eating well. I told her a web site that changed me. She said to me that it was her daughter that needed to make a choice to change and I wanted to be sportive of her emotions and feelings as well as stay true to helping people understand our point of view. I don't know if I can do both so I kept my mouth shut.
Seeing a loved one hurting and going through the same cycles again and again must be tiering. The logic and reasoning loved ones have isn't translating to mentally ill people. It seems like mentally ill people aren't making an effort or deciding to do things that are obvious for others that will be helpful. Gaining weight and blaming it on Rx drugs seems like an excuse. Don't like how you feel? Change your actions!! Isn't that easy for people with mental illnesses.
I would have loved to explain how much I wasn't in control of my moods and emotions. When I was depressed it was all I could do to keep myself alive and not kill myself. Every moment of my life was managing my brain. All the discomfort, thoughts in my mind, things I wanted to do or ideas I got when I was manic was a constant battle. I was in a constant battle of thoughts and feelings that were in contradictions of other thoughts and feelings I had. All seemed real while nothing did. My mind was tearing apart because I knew and realized it's instability. Now that I'm stable I realize how bad it was.
With what I know now, if I had a loved one suffering like I was, I'd try and understand them while keeping my boundaries. Beating your head against a brick wall is not help to either of you.
Understanding, knowledge, compassion, nudging then forceful loving help is what I would do. My parents supported my basic needs and encouraged me in areas of help. I had a wonderful best friend who's uncle is schizophrenic and relating to me helped him understand his uncle and his mothers position in helping him. He would come over to my place once a week and listen to me without judgment as well as almost force me to take a walk with him outside no matter if I hadn't showered in days. All of this support helped me find answers I needed for my recovery.
I also had a mother who saw me and didn't give up. She researched options and even though she couldn't relate, she had a belief that my life could be more, be better than it was. She had faith in me when I threw that out the window years ago. Her research panned out.
There is no easy answer for anyone involved within mental illness. A willingness to understand each other and an openness for empathy goes a long way.
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